This blog post is brought to you courtesy of procrastination. I SHOULD be packing my car and hitting the road, as I am definitely leaving this morning (early afternoon).  However, I pulled a late night last night and I'm not moving as fast as I used to be.

This is face of exhausted, hung-over & "just can't hang like I used to".

Blog-A-Day Countdown to 2012: #3

Procrastination & On the Road Again

This time at home has gone by in a blur. I haven't played poker, I haven't thought about poker, I haven't dreamed about suits and flops and suck outs. It's been a much-needed break. I have however, spent a lot of time with family and friends that I have missed tremendously. Josh Cooper once said something about how going home, you realize that life goes on without you. Which really, is pretty much common sense.. but it stuck with me. Since being home I've had a few really memorable moments, a lot of laughs, some good natured flirtation and some of the dynamic (or at least the way I view) a few of the people here has evolved. All anybody really wants is to hear the words "You don't really have to leave again, do you?" And when I did, and realized I didn't have a choice.. it hit me.. life is going to go on, and I'm going to miss out on a lot of awesome moments with people I really dig. Hopefully they won't completely forget about me. <3

Okay, pity party over. I get to spend 2012 in some of the coolest cities in America, surrounded by poker and doing something I love to do. Life could be a whole lot worse.

Symbolism for the win.

I intended to bring in the New Year with Scotty, here in Memphis. But I neglected to visit my sister over Christmas, and I'm running really short on time.  So tonight, hopefully, I will bring in the New Year on the beach. It's a great place to celebrate the passing of an epic year. It's rather sneaky how the New Year comes in under the cover of darkness.  One minute it's everything behind you, and the next it's a whole new year.. full of expectations and goals.

Mom has just announced that she may hop in the car with me, and just Amtrak it back to Memphis in a few days.  So this will be all the better.. having us all three together.

Tuesday I'll be checking into Biloxi, gearing up for the Million Dollar Heater and back in poker world. I'll admit, I'm looking forward to being productive again, and seeing the poker friends I've been away from since heading out west.  Scott is coming down Thursday to shack up for a few days and try his hand at a tournament or two.

I'm already thinking about when I'll get back to Memphis, though. Right now it's looking like February. March if I pick up another event. It's weird how it works.. you leave with a schedule and then everything changes, and even with the best of intentions, 6 months slips away before you can blink.

I'm going to pack. I'll do my best to update throughout the day, as I am still hoping to get my countdown done. <3

Followup on Ben Breedlove: Family & Funeral; A Personal Note on Death

I wanted to do a quick update to the Ben Breedlove story I wrote a couple days ago.  The blog post, overnight, received more "hits" than anything I've ever written. Easily over 20,000 in just 24 hours. This is a well traveled blog, but that's a pretty extreme jump.  It seems people everywhere were just as fascinated by this young man's videos, his message and sadly.. his passing.

The guest book at Ben's funeral, December 29th 2011.

This Austin, TX teen managed to unite hundreds of thousands of people through videos he made about death, just 5 short days before the pacemaker on his heart failed and took his life on Christmas Day. His videos, which by morning were posted everywhere, went viral overnight.. literally.  So much so that the Breedlove family decided to stream his memorial live today online, so mourners across the world could grieve the loss of Ben.

One thing that struck me in watching the parts of the memorial service/funeral I was able to, was how at peace his mother seemed to be.  She looked, and rightfully so, like she'd been through hell and back.. but she was smiling, mostly had herself together and was able to accept other's condolences with grace.

Deanne Breedlove (In black, in the middle), with youngest son Jake at Ben's funeral.

I know I've mentioned once or twice that I had a son once, and that he passed away. Actually, tomorrow would have been his 11th birthday.  Though I only got to experience motherhood for a little over three months, I can tell you with no uncertainty.. that this is something you never get over. I mean, you move on.. you even feel mostly normal again, but your child is with you all the time in some manner or another.  I find myself scanning a crowd of children for a boy that would be around his age, fascinated with the developmental milestones they've reached and wondering what sort of person he would have been.

Robert, with his father. A good lookin' boy!

Having a child that's passed away is a unique sort of awfulness, on top of the obvious. When people ask if you have children, especially in my case having no others, you're faced with the decision of telling them simply "No" and entirely discounting that fact that you are in fact a Mom, or saying "Yes" and having to explain.  People never want to talk about children dying. It sends a guttural panic into the hearts of most women, and men become uncomfortable because it's a realm of emotion they don't want to tip toe through. To this day, when someone finds out about my child, I find myself in a weird sort of role reversal.. where the person hearing the news becomes very apologetic and upset, trying to find the words and I have to assure them that I'm okay, it's okay and that they don't need to comfort me. I like to avoid the subject altogether, but at the same time, sometimes I want to talk about him. He was a really beautiful blessing, and his death was the ONLY negative part of the entire experience of having him.

I was 19. So young. I didn't even know how to give a proper
bath to a baby, and they don't come with handbooks!
You can tell he was thrilled by this experience.

Anyway, my point is.. Ben Breedlove's Mom really looked okay today. I was an absolute mess at Robert's funeral. I insisted on speaking, which I shouldn't have, but I had so much I wanted to say.. and I ended up breaking down in front of a lot of people. The biggest differences between Ben's mother and myself is that she's a solid 20 years older than I was at the time, her son had been struggling with a life threatening illness for 18 years, and she has a relationship with God that I wasn't even close to at that age.

I envy her for those things, but at the same time, my heart aches for her today.  I know how she feels, in as close a way as anyone can I suppose.

The worst part of burying a loved one, particularly a child, is that in a few weeks.. the rest of the world will go back to normal. Life goes on, and everyone is back to work and doing their daily grind. But for the parents, and possibly the siblings.. the immediate family, that hole actually gets BIGGER as time progresses and life continues without the one we're missing.  Sure, it gets better..but it's really hard the first couple of years. People don't like to discuss death and loss, and the grieving person begins to feel guilty for being sad and begins to bottle it up.. hoping to not make anyone else uncomfortable.

I spent hours and hours online reading stories from other mothers who had lost their children to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), with an almost morbid dedication. I just longed to know I wasn't completely alone in my emotional roller coaster.  And then one day, I didn't anymore and I too moved on. For the most part.

I don't mourn Ben Breedlove.  He's in a much better place, where doctors and surgery no longer factor in. My heart aches for his Mother, and the rest of his immediate family. The worst is still to come for them and I pray they have the support network in place to help them get through it.

Two people stood out during the days that followed my son's death. One paramedic who said "Oh honey, don't worry. You'll have more children." I wish at times I could go back and just shake her for saying that. Her intentions were good, her wording was awful.  And a bank teller. She asked how Robert was doing, as we were regulars in the drive-through, and when I told her she paused for a moment and said.. "Darlin', this is going to hurt for a long time. It'll get better, but it's going to get better slowly. The only thing that will make it better is time."  She hit the nail on the head.

My mom and her grandson, the day he was born.

Without getting overly preachy, I do believe that God looks out for us and sends us strength when we need it. I saw Ben Breedlove's videos just three days ago, and along with the rest of the world, it bolstered my already strong faith.. in knowing that everything happens for a reason, and that death isn't something to fear. Then, in case the message wasn't loud and clear, a friend I never expected it from.. waited until we were alone, and pulled out his devotional Bible and confided to me that he'd been saved recently and was finding strength in sorting out his faith. Our relationship is based in poker, and I don't think the word God has ever been spoken between us unless it also included expletives, prior to this. We had a good, long talk about a great many things and it touched me. I know what the message was, whether my friend had any idea or not about the bigger picture. God is looking out for me, and he loves me and though losing Robert was a huge cornerstone in my life.. there is a grander plan. Most importantly, that I am loved and it's important for me to keep perspective, even when my heart aches.

I promise I'm not turning my little blog-corner-of-the-world into a faith-based soapbox. Not by any stretch. But if you haven't read the story about Ben Breedlove, or seen his videos you should.  They provided me with a great deal of peace during a potentially emotional time. Maybe they'll do the same for you, or at the very least, open the doors for some good conversation.

Good luck, Breedlove family. I will keep you in my prayers.

Blog-A-Day Countdown to 2012: #4

My Son's 11th Birthday, Ben Breedlove's Mother & Funeral

Blog-A-Day Countdown: Poker Players go Bowling, Prop Bets, Steven "Cupcake" Terry

I'm going to be hard pressed to actually get out a blog post a day, and finish the remainder of my countdown before 2012.  I'm going to do my best though.

Blog-A-Day Countdown to 2012: #5

Poker Players Go Bowling, Prop Bets, Steven "Cupcake" Terry

My time here at the farm is winding down.. I've thoroughly enjoyed myself, though I haven't done anything fancy and I've been on a pretty strict budget (Still waiting on paychecks to be mailed from work already completed - Upside: can't spend it if you don't have it!).




Cosmic Bowling.. Pretty, yes. Photogenic, No.
Scott, Jen and Steven
December 28th, 2011.


Last night I went bowling with two of my favorite guys.. Steven Terry and Scott Williams. I write all the time about Scott, and really.. there is only so much you can say about the man. Steven isn't someone I've talked about here before.. I generally don't mention friends in "the blog" until they give me the "Okay".  It can be a little unnerving to some to have their name and pictures out there, floating around the interwebz, having no control over it.

Steven was a regular at Southland (the poker room I worked at before I was a dealer and before I was a supervisor at The 'Shoe), and would quite often come in and BS with me before or after playing.  He's young, 24, but he looks about 16. On some days he's a good looking, rough - tough - blue collar kinda man. On other days, he's a very cute..kid. We perpetually give each other shit about our age difference. Sometimes, in public, when he's trying to be funny.. he'll refer to me as Mom.  It makes me want to choke him. I call Steven "Cupcake" because he's just so damn adorable, and also.. because it's mildly degrading. This caught on in the poker room, and he's pretty much been "Cupcake" ever since.

Gangsta.

We've hung out a few times, once Geocaching at 3 am in Mid-Town Memphis, and we've seen a handful of movies. We've always talked easily, about all sorts of things, and I get a kick out of him because he only tolerates my bullshit to a certain extent.. before he'll call me on it.  He's pretty smart, even if his poker game could use some work. One day, my less than awesome vehicle (the piece of crap Jeep I drove before my current mechanical nightmare) broke down just as I was headed to Tunica to have dinner with Bex.  He drove all the way to Arkansas to pick me up, and THEN drove me the hour to Tunica and back.. just so I wouldn't miss out. What a sweetheart. <3 (On a side note, I found out AFTER I had my Jeep towed to a mechanic and fully checked out.. that there was actually nothing wrong with it. I just didn't have it all the way in park, and therefore, couldn't start it. I fail so hard. Seriously guys, this is why chicks shouldn't own cars. So embarassing. I swore I'd never admit it.. instead claming a bad starter, but enough time has passed that I can laugh about it).

He also knows Scotty, from my aforementioned poker room, and in my absence challenged him to a night of bowling.  Steven seemed to think he is quite the bowler, and assumed he would be able to brutalize Scott (who is nearly twice his age) with no problem.  Unbeknownst (or at least, fully understood) to him.. Scott is somewhat of a legendary bowler.  He has a handful of 300 rings, some of them 800 rings.  He used to be Mr. Professional, and I swear when he shows up at a bowling alley.. he has more luggage (gear, balls, shoes) than I pack for a week of vacation.

Aww look.. he still thinks he has a shot in this picture!
Boys and Girls, this is what "Hope" looks like.

I knew this wasn't going to end well for Steven, but I was supportive.. and they scheduled the night for when I'd be in town. The bet.. if Steven wins, Scott dresses in full drag for a full night of poker in our regular card room. If Scott wins, Steven has to dress like a cupcake (sprinkles, whipped cream.. the whole nine) for a night at Southland as well.

Like this, but with a shorter skirt.. and made with actual food product.
We want him to attract raccoons in this getup.

I showed up while they were in the middle of their practice game. I was impressed by Steven.. he was knocking out strikes right and left, and disappointed in Scott. During the first of the three games that count, Scott continued to bowl fairly pitifully.  Steven was holding his own, and at the end of the game, had Scott by 61 pins. It occurred to me on the 9th frame or so that Scott was bowling right handed. (He's left handed). He was also using a house ball while his three sat in the rack (Three? Really? Overcompensation much?).

Really, the whole night was about Scott's balls, if you wanna know the truth.

In the second game, with an almost 80 pin lead, Steven was talking a little good natured smack.  Even offering a few coaching tips with the troublesome 7 pin and 10 pin. Scott decided at this time to make a statement by laying one of his 300 rings on the table each frame.

Oh..wait.. YES! There it is..
Fear.



He looks amused at this point.

Scott then decided to actually bowl (left handed and with his own equipment), and the game was pretty much over after that.  He mopped the floor with Cupcake, who took it all in stride and with a great attitude. I don't think I've laughed that much in a long time. Mid-way through the third game, Scott had already made up for the 80 pin deficit and had Steven by at least 50 pins. It wasn't even close, but it was totally worth coming out for. Scott was pretty modest about it though.. accepting victory with the grace you'd expect from a man of his caliber. I mean, it's not like he's the type to photograph himself wearing a handful of 300 rings and a championshp jacket and post it on someone's Facebook wall.

Oh.. wait..

Afterwards we went to breakfast at CK's, where an extensive conversation about the male anatomy took place. I fully expected them to prop bet on this, but fortunately was spared. We then attempted to look for a Geocache. Hopping the curb on the University of Memphis Campus, at 2 am and putting us nearly face to face with an inhabited police cruiser put an end to that really quick. We're all old enough to know when it's time to pack it in.

Everything on the menu is under $7?
Scotty's idea of a perfect night out!

Cupcake and I dropped Scott off at his truck, and sat to catch up for a minute. Our conversation was all over the place, as usual, covering the last 8 months in a half hour or so. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy his company, and I'm really glad they scheduled their bowling fiasco to include me.  Even if Cupcake got his ass kicked. <3

All of these in bowling.. and not a one that says WSOP.
Face it Scotty, you can't hang.
Maybe you should stick to playing with your balls?
<3

Read/Repost Request: The heartbreaking & inspiring story of Ben Breedlove. A must see.

I was absolutely done for the night, shutting down the computer, cleaning up the kitchen.. and came to check my Facebook to make sure the last blog post posted.  A link to a video with the post "Do you believe in God?" caught my eye. The kid was kinda good-looking, in that shiny sort of way.. so I clicked the link.

(A followup to this post has been added, link at the bottom).

And here we are. I feel compelled to write about this, because it's such a heartbreaking - interesting - inspiring story.

The video is of Benjamin Breedlove. He's an 18 year old young man from Austin, TX who was born with some sort of awful heart condition (Hypertrophic Cardiomyapathy) .  He also has two YouTube channels, one called BreedloveTV and the other where he shares advice for teens on dating and similar topics.  Pretty popular stuff, with most of his videos having over 30,000 hits. Some much more. This video, the one I'm writing about, isn't part of his usual uploads.  He did this one privately under an unknown user name, and without fanfare. His own parents didn't even know he'd posted them until it was already too late.

In the video I saw, he talks about cheating death several times. It isn't an overtly religious message at all, just a teen talking about his experiences dodging death throughout the course of living with a heart defect.  He made the video just a few days ago, sharing in it an overwhelming peace with dying.  On Christmas day, 2011, he died of cardiac arrest when his pacemaker stopped functioning. Here is his video, posted just 6 days ago. In two parts.

Part 2..

In the little bit of searching for him online I did, I can see that he was an inspiration to thousands of people. Not with stories of being ill, but by just being a glowing, beautiful human being who LIVED. What really strikes me is the overwhelming difference between him in these videos and his normal YouTube posts.  There is a subtle peace about him in these two. He couldn't possibly have known, and yet, it's almost like he did in a way. His parents found these videos after he'd passed. What an amazing gift to leave behind.

Something about his smile is haunting me, and I felt compelled to sit down and share this with you all. If you share nothing else this year from my blog, or any other, repost this one. This video I think, should be shared.

Here is a great video of Ben answering questions about himself. Though they weren't shot too far apart, note the difference in his demeanor. 

Rest in Peace, Ben Breedlove.  There is something fantastic about you. It's a pity you're gone, but a blessing your video remains behind to touch others. <3

Edited to Add: A Followup on this Blog Post HERE.

Blog-Countdown to 2012: #6

Ben Breedlove

Blog-A-Day Countdown to 2012: Depression be Creepin', Ready to be Productive Again

Blog-A-Day Countdown to 2012: #7

Depression is a Creeper, Ready for Work

I have 100,000 things I COULD write about.. but I'm just feeling rather run-down.  Back to work next week, and I'm ready for it.  Granted, I could stay here at the farm for ages more and not get tired of it.. but I'm just ready to be doing something with my time.

I didn't go to Florida.  Last minute issues.. Mom was sick, and didn't feel up to traveling. She's doing better today, but still not great. I've got to spend some time with my sister though. She's also going through some health issues, that are significant enough that it'll prohibit her from deploying to Afghanistan (Which sounds like a blessing, but when it's because you're sick.. it's really not). She's in Destin, FL.. so there are definitely worse places to visit.

So simple. So pretty. <3

I'm heading down to see her this weekend, and meet her new-but-serious boyfriend Marvin.  I've talked to him on the phone a few times and he seems cool. I'm glad she's happy. I'll go straight from there to Biloxi. It's not too far of a drive.. just a couple hours, and will save me about 800 miles round trip. Considering how reliable my car is, this is a +EV move.

Bex and Marvin. He's little Red Riding Hood, she's the Big Bad Wolf.
Based on this picture, they're clearly perfect for each other.
And if it doesn't work out, she'll have someone to shop with.
Look at the way he's rockin' those heels.
Reminds me of Scott Williams. Almost.

I need to brush up on my Triple Draw games.  This will be the first event I deal that has Triple Draw events, and though I'm familiar with them.. I haven't actually had to spread them yet. I'll be watching YouTube videos and making my mom play guinea-pig. CatCat isn't much use.. he just wants to slap the chips around.

Christmas was good. Kinda weird without Bex here.. first time she's ever not been home for Christmas. Mom liked her presents and seemed generally happy with the holiday, despite feeling bad and missing 33% of our family.

I really do heart this show.

Mom and I have caught up on all the Grimm episodes out.  I really like that show. I fear it won't get renewed because the concept is a bit complicated.. but I'd rank it up there with everything else I watch in terms of quality of writing.  Actually, the writers are pretty witty. I love cop-dramas, and forensic dramas.. but I also love Fantasy genre.  This is a mesh of all of them.  The premise is the ancient Grimm Brothers fairy tales are an actuality, but the cast of characters charade around as normal people (i.e. big bad wolves, three little pigs, bears..etc), and cause all kinda chaos for the Grimm (who is also a cop) to sort out. It sounds a lot more convoluted than it really is, but the show is quite enjoyable. I hope we get at least a full season before it gets canned.  This always seems to happen with the shows I really get into. I LOVED The Riches, but it only lasted 1.5 seasons before getting scrapped. I suppose I can't complain too much.. House, Grey's, Dexter.. these have all been around for many many years now.

My bankroll on Lock is up to $56, from $20 from grinding micro-stakes.  I'll admit, it's pretty mind-numbing. For me, it's more a test of will power than actual accomplishment.  I have a hard time taking poker seriously when the stakes are below .10 for a BB.  Makes me want to chase everything, and suddenly.. 57o looks like a stellar hand, because.. Hell, it's only .15 to call!  Terrible logic, I know.

I heard from a lot of you on Christmas, and didn't from some I expected to. I'm glad the holiday is over, because now we can get started on a New Year.. which brings all sorts of new possibilities and opportunities. I know that sounds hokey, but really.. I'm excited for 2012.  2011 was a year of so much change for me, and 2012 will continue on with that theme for sometime.  Hopefully I get to see and do as much.

How I'm feeling on the inside, right this second.
Less Green though.

I'm going to take some Nyquil and hit the sack with CatBeast and a movie. I don't know why my head is in a fog. It isn't really depression, but it feels like the cusp of depression. I've written about depression, as it pertains to me and others, many times.. and though it's far from being an overwhelming theme here, I can generally tell when it's trying to rear it's ugly head.  This is one of those times.  I feel overwhelmed by so many little things I can't control right now, and it's starting to weigh on me. All I want to do is sleep. I realize I need to get proactive to beat this and keep it from creeping into a legitimate spell. I suppose tomorrow I'll saddle up a horse or go do something outside, weather permitting. At the very least, I'll get out of bed at a decent hour and be productive.

I hope you're all well fed and warm, in the week-between-holidays. Keep in touch. <3

Blog-A-Day Countdown to 2012: Merry Christmas to ALL

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring.. except me and CatBeast.  Mom is in bed.  Tonight we watched a few episodes of Grimm, cooked an epic dinner-for-two and opened presents.

Blog-A-Day Countdown to 2012: A short and sweet Merry Christmas to All.

(And to All a Goodnight!)

#8

I got a bunch of cool girly items (skin care stuff, more Garfield pajama pants, an iPhone cover) and she seemed to like her presents.  We were both falling asleep on the couchs before 8 pm.  I'm tellin' ya, I'm a straight hell raiser on vacation.

I'm praying we don't have family drama tomorrow. We're supposed to leave around 8 am to go to Florida and spend two days, maybe three with Bex and her boyfriend Domingo.  They're expecting us, and waiting for us to have their Christmas.  Tonight, Mom started getting sick.. and had a few sore spots in her mouth that are making her nervous.  She doesn't want to travel if she's worse in the morning.

I know it's going to crush Bex and 'Mingo if we don't come. Mom was pretty nonchalant over it.. saying "You can just go without me" but I absolutely cannot put my car on the road without an oil change, which means Monday would be the next time I could leave. (And I'm not driving her truck 1,000 round-trip miles either, without her).  Let's pray Mom feels good enough to make the trip, and that half my family isn't sad on Christmas. :(

I don't have a whole lot to write.  Instead, I think I'm going to curl up in bed with the CatBeast and watch the last three episodes of Grimm on Hulu.  I'll have more interesting things to say tomorrow.. for now, I just want to enjoy a quiet holiday, lazing it up.

To all of you who read, and even the ones who don't..

Merry Christmas

I appreciate your support throughout the year..
 and I hope your holidays are a great one!

Blog-A-Day Countdown: Grateful for my Mom this Christmas, CatCat watches Grimm

Today will be a short post. I spent the majority of the day Christmas shopping, followed by wrapping presents.  I'm beat, and I've still got a few more things to take care of tomorrow (or rather, later today).

Blog-A-Day Countdown to 2012: #9

Grateful for Mom, Almost Ready for Christmas



In the right lighting, it ALMOST looks like someone with skills wrapped these gifts.
It's a sham though, I'm TERRIBLE at wrapping presents.


I'm on a relatively limited budget (who isn't?), so Christmas won't be over the top this year.  A shame too.. I really like being able to get things for my Mom that will just delight her.  I've written about her before in my blog, but I probably don't give her enough credit publicly.

Mom building a dog house. She's a rockstar with tools. True story.

She was married to a man for a long time (my dad, actually), who was a real douche-bag about Christmas.  He never bought her a present.. not one. We, (Bex and I), had no idea of course as children.. there were always mountains of presents under the tree.  Funny, in retrospect.. we both thought we were rich kids.  We'd easily have a hundred presents under the tree every year. Sometimes more. I now know that Mom was just the master of making a dollar stretch.  Sure..a lot of the presents were socks and dollar store items, but I never ever remember asking for anything that I didn't get. Now I realize that Dad made less than $30,000 a year and Mom was supplementing our income by training, breeding and selling horses.. and her total Christmas budget couldn't have been more than $500 most years. She really was/is a fantastic Mom and we never felt like anything other than privileged when at best, we were upper-lower class in terms of income and school districts.

Mom back in the day. Total fox.

After Dad died (in 1991), money was probably even tighter for awhile.. but again, we never felt it. I can only imagine what stress she must have been under trying to provide for us two girls. Then we had about 15 great years with the farm.. the horse market was excellent, the riding school did great and Mom was rolling in the dough.  I don't think I really noticed that either.. because she was great at keeping us grounded regardless of whether we were busted or flush with cash.

I guess we thought every kid got to haul their horses to the Ozarks for week-long trail rides.
We grew up lucky, but didn't really appreciate it the way we should have.

Now because of the economy, the failing horse market, health issues and a major house fire (totally destroyed the house.. had to completely rebuild), things have been rough. We're in a weird class of people now. Our family owns a farm that has been annexed and grandfathered into the city of Memphis. A rather large house on a beautiful spread of land, and a healthy herd of horses and other various critters. A passerby would think we're doing a lot better than the actuality.  The reality is, Mom doesn't have health insurance.. can't afford it.. and despite health issues, can't get coverage. We're too land rich for government benefits, and too cash poor to buy it. The taxes on our property run $800 a month. Not to mention a utility bill that almost equals the taxes, and the feed bill for the animals.  The farm is a break-even venture right now as people have cut back on boarding horses, riding lessons and family entertainment. Some months it isn't even a break-even. And that is just the operating costs.. it doesn't factor in things like emergencies, broken heating and air units or anything extra like vehicle repairs. But we make it.  Mom is phenomenally resilient.

The farm during a rare snowfall. Bex, back in the day, and her loyal companion "Midget" the wonder-chihuahua.

As an adult, I have a much greater appreciation for the woman she is.  Everything she has, she earned. About two years ago she had a pretty awful turn of health and we wound up in the Emergency Room.  She was a pack a day + smoker, and the doctor had a grim diagnosis. Without going into a lot of details, the doc said she'd be dead in no time and the best thing I could do was "be positive, for her sake".  The doc didn't even share the gravity of the news with her, instead, encouraged her to hang in there.  She made up her mind, put down the cigarettes and never touched one again. Her health has improved 10,000 percent from that day (I fully expected, every day, for it to be the one when she didn't wake up. It was that bad.) She still needs medical care that isn't budgeted, and she has good days and bad days, but we're very lucky she's still with us.

Because of this, I am perpetually grateful to still have a Mom. You don't realize just how much you still need your Mom until someone is standing there telling you she won't be with you much longer. At Christmas, more so than the other days of the year, I feel a compulsive need to be near her and make sure she has enough presents that she never has to feel again what it's like to wake up to nothing.. to be forgotten about.. or overlooked. 

I wish I could do more for her.  She's given almost her entire life to caring for me and Bex

Mom doesn't have anything fancy under the Christmas tree this year, but she has a lot of little creature comforts she'll enjoy.  Between my sister and I, we probably have 20 plus gifts for her to open. She'll be especially grateful for what we got her, because that's just the sort of woman she is. 

And we'll be especially grateful to have her.

On a less sentimental note, CatCat is still doing fine and has come out of hibernation to catch up on his nightly shows.

He does love a good TV Drama.  Tonight it's "Grimm".