Friday, December 23, 2011

Blog-A-Day Countdown: My (sad) Abstinent Love Life and Scotty Shops for Sex Toys

Blog-A-Day Countdown to 2012, #10
My Sad, Lacking Love Life
Scott Goes Shopping

I went Christmas shopping tonight.  To no avail. I ended up buying CatCat some food, a lanyard for myself and.. well.. that about sums it up. I fail. I was in the company of my good friend Scott Williams, so at least I had fun. We met up at the mall, which was fairly lame, and then went and ate Mexican. After that, realizing I had him captive in my car, I made him follow me around in PetCo, BestBuy and Target.

We were in Spencers Gifts in the mall and came across a rather large selections of sex toys.  Not just your run of the mill gag gifts like Spencers used to carry, but full blown large silicon genitalia, whips, chains and a variety of lube that puts the flavors at Baskin Robbins to shame.  I should also mention that we were the only people over, say, 20 in the store. When did selling items like this, in a MALL, become acceptable?

Scott was in Heaven! A veritable treasure trove of sparkly, silicone-y things
he didn't fully understand.. but was definitely interested in trying out!

I'm no prude, by any stretch of the imagination.  I've owned my fair share of vibrating accessories. Actually, now that I think about it.. the last one I had I lost on a poker trip to Biloxi. I don't remember the details, only that I left home with it.. and returned without it.  And my only companion was the aforementioned Mr. Williams. Hmmm. If any of you ladies are at Scott's house and happen to see something that resembles a dolphin, and requires batteries.. You know what? Nevermind. Let him keep it.

Anyway, my point is.. I just don't think these things should be only display for every 12 year old who wanders the mall.  Not to mention, these things aren't doing any favors for shaping a little girl's mind about the physique of her future sexual partners.  Your average man doesn't have 10 inches of symmetrical perfection, coupled with controllable speeds and cute accessories. We're really just warping the kid's minds for future disappointment.

My next event is just 90 minutes from New Orleans! JACKPOT!

Speaking of disappointment, Scott has a lady friend. This, in and of itself, doesn't disappointment me. I'm happy he's getting some action. It isn't serious, and I wouldn't care even if it were. As most of you know, I love him to pieces.. he's my best friend, and quite possibly the most perfect man on earth. (I can write that in full confidence that he doesn't have the attention span to read this far). Everyone always says.. "When are you guys getting married?" But really, Scott needs a gal who drives a mini-van and has PTA meetings to attend. Not a blonde tattooed chick who doesn't stay in the same place more than ten minutes. Even if it does get serious, I'll still be here. I'll be around to push him around the old folk's home. (Which should be in about.. oh, 10 years). He's as important to me as CatCat. Plus, he's cute. And this one time, after 19 bottles of wine.. Oh wait, we don't talk about that in the blog. But still.. I'm a little sad..

I sort of owe him some free wheelchair pushes.
Even if he is at least partially responsible for my busted ankle here.
He knows I can't walk, think AND chew gum at the SAME time!
P.S. Nice pajamas, Scott. You always dress to impress the ladies.

Why am I sad? Because I'm getting NO action. And when Scott Williams is getting more than me, hell has practically frozen over. Unfortunately, it's a self imposed act of abstinence.  Christina Sharkady made a bet with me exactly 6 months before Feb. 14, 2012 that I couldn't go 6 months without hooking up with someone.  I made the bet only half way taking it seriously.. I'd just moved to Vegas, it was TIME to make some bad decisions! But as things progressed, I did some soul searching and I realized.. I kind of want a relationship.

Yes, I said it.  The dreaded "R" word.  Now don't get me wrong.. I'm in no hurry to get a diamond and a golden retriever.  But I'd kinda like to have someone around that I'd like to see naked repeatedly. Someone I'd like to spend time with, who I actually care about.

I know. So lame. But, kind of appealing too. Sometimes.

As some of you know, there was Justin. The be all - end all relationship of relationships. A serious heart breaker. The most gorgeous man I've ever seen, and ironically.. the biggest jerk. We had a very long, very rough relationship.. engagement.. shared living space..etc. He broke up with me, we hooked back up.. and after another year of back and forth, I ended it officially.  He's been out of my life a little over 2 years now. Since then there have been a few hookups, a few brief dating stints.. but really, I've spent most of my time with Scott and in poker rooms. I've been working on NOT having a boyfriend. Justin got my 20's, but I'll be damned if I give my 30's to a man I'll eventually come to loathe.

So many years I gave to you.
See how happy I look in this picture?
The proof is in the film, boys and girls.
 For the last six months, traveling, I've had a few tempting offers. (All of which are blog readers, so I'll use aliases to protect their not-so-innocence). K in Vegas, who I went out with a handful of times.. and actually liked, but it was dicey. A friend had already called "dibbs" on him, and though he pursued ME.. it was brought to my attention that I was breaking a girlfriend code of some nature.  I don't talk to him anymore (He isn't even in the continental United States at the moment, I don't believe).. and I barely speak to the girlfriend (A falling out that may or may not resolve itself in time), but whatever. It happens.

R in Reno who was pretty much only available for illicit sex, but he had a roommate and I had a roommate and I was trying to be a good girl.  We had cocktails, conversation and poker. Damn he's cute though. I do still talk to him.. and well, he lives in Vegas now. Hmmm.. there is always next summer I suppose..

I saw R again in Oregon and he had a friend with him, J.  J went out of his way to get my information and sent me a message on Facebook just hours after we'd met. I do like a man who takes initiative. So cute. Tattooed, pierced.. but oh so young. He's probably 21 and a half, but he looked 16. I just couldn't do it. He's a ridiculously sweet man though. Smart as a whip, too.

Okay, I'll post pics of one of them. But only because he's super cool and he'd be flattered.
See how freakin' cute he is?
But really, seriously, he's like 9. Maybe 12. Okay, 22.
Either way, I'd feel like a child molester.
Nevermind. I wouldn't. Can I change my mind, J? Is it too late?
In Oregon I met one that could have been a keeper (Please don't hate me when you read this, I'm not saying you're NOT a keeper, I'm just sayin'... it doesn't look good, you know.. with us living 3,000 miles apart and all). A tall Native American man named J, who was sexy and charming.. the sort of man who will grab you in public and kiss you without asking permission. (And he did!). I'd never hooked up with or dated anyone from an ethnic background that didn't include blonde hair and blue eyes, and there was something exotic and tempting about him.  He spent many, many nights in my hotel room. And.. nothing. I wasn't looking for a one night stand, and we were so exhausted after working 12 hour days.. we'd just collapse and..dare I say it? Cuddle. I liked him a lot though. We still talk every day, and we talk of visits and future poker events. He has a small herd of children, though, so he's firmly rooted in Oregon. If anyone had a shot, it was probably this guy. He's used the "girlfriend" word a couple of times in reference to me, and I've demured away from it. Labels seem a little silly to me when you can't even grab a movie or dinner with the person.

I don't know whats wrong with me.  Maybe I'm holding out for Mr. Right, maybe I'm too picky. I'm flawed myself.. so I can't really say that I expect perfection.  I've gotten away from my physical standards: 6' plus, black hair, blue eyes, perfect teeth, rockin' body, great education (Though I had my FAIR share of those!). As I've aged, and my tastes have matured.. and as I become more and more flawed, I've realized that those things hardly matter.  My personality is such that I can pull just about any "type" I want, but really.. I just want to find someone who is good hearted. Someone who makes me laugh, is generally a good person, and has very little baggage/emotional hangups.  No criminal record would be great too. Oh, and some form of income that doesn't involve crack. They don't have to spend money on me, I just don't want to have to pay for their child support-court fines-video game addiction.

I don't want to grow old alone.. but I  would rather be alone than be with someone who makes me nuts. Regardless of the bet, which I'll never claim anyway, once I'm successful.. I'm in no hurry to have a meaningless fling.  Granted, this philosophy might change the next time I have more than one tequila shot, but right now.. in my perfectly sound mind, I've decided to be a good girl. You should be proud. :)

In the meantime, I have my full-time man to cuddle up next to. He's short, furry and orange.
But he's self cleaning, and he loves me unconditionally. <3 <3
P.S. Just in case I change my mind, I am absolved of my bet as of Feb. 14th, 2012. Right now, I have no plans. Accepting applications. Bring tequila.

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