This Dealer Life P1 - St. Louis Failure, Prop Bet Loss, A Drunk Squatter and More.

I have been a terrible blogger lately. I can't help it, I've been busy trying to find a balance between this Dealer life and my other life. I refer to the two as if they're separate entities: Casino World and Real World. In Casino World, it's a non-stop poker vortex of work, sleep, go out, repeat. In Real World, I'm either somewhere beautiful taking in the view or home with family.. and I don't want to think about Casino World.

But I am back now, and I will do a better job of keeping you updated in the future.

To make it up to you, I'm going to write a short series of posts over the next couple of weeks called "This Dealer Life" that includes funny stories from the road, and little glimpses into what this life on the road, event to event is actually like. The good, the bad, the ugly.

When this is "normal" dealer behavior, just wait till I share the WEIRD stories.

This Dealer Life: Part 1

The St. Louis Debacle, Can't Find The Sears Tower, A Lost Spongebob Prop Bet and The Drunk-Homeless-Squatting-Poker-Pro

The St. Louis Debacle

Maxcel, a Los Angeles native turned Brit (moved to London and lived most of his life over there), decided to accompany me from Chicago back home to Memphis for a couple weeks.  We stopped off to play the Heartland Poker Tour in St. Louis on the way back.

We came to St. Louis in search of Fish.
...And Fish we found...

Our first night (and as it would turn out, our ONLY night) in St. Louis we went out with a friend and fellow dealer, Jason Menendez.  We got stupid drunk. Stupid, stupid, stupid need-a-cab, drunk. At one point I was passed out in Jason's Mustang in a truck stop slash bar slash strip club and part time pool hall, shivering and turning blue from the cold but absolutely unable to walk. I did manage to throw up occasionally in the parking lot. It was horrendous. I haven't been THAT drunk in years and years and years and haven't since. (And hopefully never will again). I'm still not sure Jason lived through that night.. I haven't talked to him since. (If you're out there, you should shoot me a text, pal. We left your coat at that casino with the weird name with security).

THIS is how drunk we were. The guy in the sparkly coat? Yeah. We don't know him either.

Sometime around 7 am, after we'd sobered up a bit and made it back to the hotel, Maxcel realized he'd lost his wallet.  It contained his entire life-roll here in America. A decent amount of cash.  We searched EVERYWHERE for it. We drove back and traced our every step (that we could remember at least) from the night before, even seeking our cab driver out and essentially suggesting he'd taken it. Only to find the wallet, eventually, in a place we'd already searched.. clear as day. This is why alcohol is BAD for you. Brain cells. We need 'em.

This caused us to get to sleep around 9 am, and wake up slightly past check out time at our classy Motel 6 abode. After some debate, we ultimately decided to stay one more night. I sent Maxx down to pay the bill, around 45 minutes after check out time. I'll let him tell the story in the below video. It's pretty hysterical, and 100% true.  Be warned though, the language is NOT family friendly. I apologize in advance. Again, I repeat.. not family friendly or work safe language.

Dear Motel 6 St. Louis,

You suck.

Love,

Us.

And that pretty much sums up St. Louis. If I don't see those arches again for a long time, it'll be okay by me.

The Sears Tower

The event was the Chicago Poker Classic. I arrived early into The Windy City, to spend time with an ex-boyfriend who I remembered fondly.. despite having not seen him in 7 years. My first night in the city we hung out and had a good time, just catching up. The second night, my traveling companions and friends Suzy and Amy met up with us and we decided to go sight seeing in Chicago.

CatCat hadn't seen him in 7 years either, but he clearly hadn't forgotten him.

Just a few miles into our excursion, we decided to go see the Sears Tower, although.. as I've been informed, it is no longer actually called The Sears Tower. Pulling off the interstate, we were immediately ambushed by not 1, not 2, but half a dozen of Chicago's finest police officers. Spotlights glaring they advanced on our vehicle with SWAT team precision. Apparently, there are real criminals in Chicago.. and the cops are used to dealing with more than just out-of-state dealers acting like tourists.

Chris, the ex-boyfriend & driver, was 100% certain we were getting a ticket or going to jail for SOMETHING. The first officer approached the vehicle and asked exactly what we were doing driving the wrong way down a one way street in downtown Chicago on a Friday night. (Oh shit!). Without thinking, I blurted out.. "We're tourist. I'm from Memphis." He responded "You don't have one way streets in Memphis?". When we explained we were looking for the Sears Tower, the officer pointed at the sky to the very obvious structure that loomed over the rest of the city by leagues, it's presence unable to miss.."You couldn't find it?" All of the officers (who had now surrounded our car) laughed in unison. The look he gave us was one of pure pity. I think he felt sorry for Chris, the Chicago resident, having to cart around these poor dumb southern women. They let us go, without a ticket with just a reminder to not drive the wrong way on one-way streets.

Fairly easily overlooked, if you ask me.

We never did find The Sears Tower, but sometimes being a dumb blonde can get you out of trouble.

Chicago was a great event. It was a fantastic crew, and one of my favorite events in the country. I can't explain it.. but it had a good "feel" to it. Massive crowds, huge prize pools, lots of hours for the dealers. I loved it. It's like WSOP-lite.. the only event that comes close to it, in the country, is the Series.

The Lost Spongebob Prop Bet

Dealers bet on everything. We wouldn't work in Casino World if we didn't have a bit of a gambling streak.  One particular night in Pendleton, Oregon we had a 5 way prop bet between dealers to see who could make the most in live tokes. I knew I was a lock to win... I averaged 6 to 1 on their tokes for the entire event, so I had no doubts about participating in these shenanigans.

The winner had to suffer no consequence, and was able to benefit from watching the losers suffer.  The last place finisher had to sing the Sponge Bob Square Pants theme song, on the microphone, during the main event of the poker tournament, from the box (dealer chair). It was a floor supervisor who actually came up with this penalty, so we had pre-approval.

Anyone who finished between "winner" and "loser" has to attend the survivor party in costume. Some sort of humiliating costume. The survivor party is the last blow out for all dealers and staff, if they managed to make it through the entire event without getting fired.  The survivor party is somewhat of a tradition, and it's a big deal. Not just for bonding among dealers, and saying our goodbyes.. but it's a celebration of a job well done.

Survivor Party 2012. I heart these people so much.

I felt pretty sure I was a lock to win, but to make sure.. I decided to minimize my losses by paying off a floor guy to make sure I got more time in live than at least one of the other participants in the bet.  Normally, this would never fly.. and is down right corrupt.. but seeing as how public humiliation was on the line, one bottle of liquor got me a guarantee out of last place.  Poor Zack, was immediately cut from his spot in live.. and sent back to tournament, finishing the day out with a whopping $59 in live toke. Max did only slightly better. Kreig asked to be sent home once he'd made $150, certain that he'd win with such an impressive number. At 13 hours into my shift, I asked to leave, knowing full well that I had a win on lock down. The only other competitor, Amy, hadn't gotten as many downs as me and is notoriously a bit of a slacker (At least, compared to me). I was sure she'd take off the minute she saw me leave, and at this point.. with $272, I had her by miles.

Damn it if that woman didn't manage to muster up work ethic no one thought she possessed, and stay another 3 or 4 hours in the box. She cashed out $332, making her the grand champion for the evening.  Maxx attended the survivor party in full drag. Kreig went as a sparkly vampire from Twilight. I dressed like a hooker, complete with catholic school girl costume.  Poor, sweet, Zack.. who took an extra bad beat (the survivor party occurred on his 25th birthday) had to attend in a Tinkerbell costume. I'm STILL untagging myself from photos.

Below is the video of Zack performing the Spongebob Theme Song during a short break at the Main Event of the Pendleton Wildhorse Spring Round Up 2012.

In case we haven't embarassed Zack enough, here he is in full Tinkerbell costume.
A pity you can't see his tiny, glittery wings strapped to his back.

The Drunk Homeless Squatting Poker Pro

In Vegas, for the WSOP, dealers room together to save money.  My group REALLY wanted to save money, and somehow that translated to 38 roommates in a three bedroom condo. (Okay, really, there are only 7 of us, but sometimes it feels like 38).  Everyone works multiple jobs, and is gone at different hours.. but someone is almost always home.  We have a third story condo in a very secure complex, with guards and regular patrols to keep an eye on things.  Most of the time, our door isn't locked.

A few nights ago, I came home and found someone passed out on the living room floor at 2:30 in the morning.  This someone was asleep on the air mattress, had managed to make himself a sandwich, partially disrobe, and had the distinct vibe of someone who was piss drunk and had subsequently passed out.  I assumed, naturally, that this was an intoxicated friend of a roommate and went to bed. 

After getting to bed and realizing my level of annoyance that my roommates would have a stray over to sleep on the floor without clearing it with everyone, I decided to do what any logical smart ass would do, and I went out and snapped a few pictures of him.. and made a witty post on Facebook.

Oh come on. It's funny.

A couple hours later, the boys came home and assumed this squatter was a friend of mine, and with similar annoyance.. went to bed.

A few hours after that, the girls came home with the same sentiments. As people would run into each other in the hallway, between the kitchen and bathrooms, they managed to piece together that this house guest did not belong to any of them, at around 6 am.. they came crashing into my room en mass to question me. I very quickly informed them that I didn't know him, and that we might actually have a problem on our hands.

Five of us, plus CatCat, crowded into the living room to prod our strange guest into waking up.  Freshly awake, he looked at us quizzically and said "Who are YOU people?". To which we responded, "Who are YOU?!".  He started gathering up possessions (None of which were his, but he politely put them down when we told him as much) and in a still, clearly, drunken haze exited the building. Obviously he was unsure of what had just happened, and we were just as mystified.

After a good laugh, I put the video of his eviction up on Facebook and went to sleep.  Hours later I woke to dozens of missed calls, and even more texts.  Apparently, our house guest is a Team Bustout Pro, very good friends with some excellent friends of mine, and a fairly prolific player with a nice win record (I Hendon Mobbed/Card Playered him straight away, and it wasn't too shabby - this is no rookie). The player himself, who I won't name.. though everyone on Facebook managed to put it together when the pictures and videos went semi-viral, sent me an email professing extreme embarrassment. Apparently he lives in the same condo, same complex.. just a different actual BUILDING than ours.  He'd had a battle with Tequila the night before, and Tequila won. He was very grateful we didn't involve the police, and that nothing had come from the incident aside from a few laughs.

I assured him that we've all been there, and aside from being a bit freaked out at first... we knew he didn't pose any imminent danger. Unfortunately for him, he wandered into a house that's pretty well connected to the poker community, and the story spread like wild fire.  The poor guy can't hardly get through a tournament at the Rio without a dealer sharing the tale. 

We've since struck up a bit of a friendship.  He's a super nice southern boy, who by all accounts is very normal and not prone to wandering into other people's homes, and passing out on their floor. The best part is.. he managed to stay here, without anyone piecing it together, for the better part of 4 hours.

 I won't post the video here, because well.. it's a bit embarrassing, and now that I know the guy and realize how many mutual friends we have.. I wish nothing but good things for him. The laugh we got out of it certainly overrides any creep factor.

Besides..When you already have 38 roommates, what difference does one more body make?

This is all for now.  I'll be back in a few days with more sordid tales from the tournament trail.  Thanks, as always for your emails and for reposting. <3

J

 

Half Way Through Biloxi: SNGs, $300/$600 Badugi, Scott Williams, Employee Dining

We're at the halfway point of the Biloxi event.  I've had such a great time here.. I could stay in Biloxi, easily, if there were full-time house jobs just laying around.  But there aren't, so I'm off to the next one at the end of the month. I've had so many of you come up and tell  me you read, and it's been overwhelming. Bloggers.. all bloggers, love nothing more than to hear who some of faces are behind our "hits".

I don't have a lot of time, as we're creepin' up on the hour where I have to go to work. I've spent the last two days dealing Single Table Satellites, for hours and hours on end.. and I think I've found a new favorite thing to deal.  The people are really laid back, for the most part, they're in it to have a good time and the money is decent.

The nuts.

I dealt $300/$600 Badugi the other night. This is the biggest game in terms of limits I've dealt so far, and for it to be Badugi of all games?! Seriously?! And it was a cast of characters too.. all the "regular" high, high rollers who are rumored to be either really nice or really difficult to please.  I've never spread Badugi, though I have a good concept of it.. and I've never actually dealt a triple draw live. So imagine my fear when I push the next table to find out it's triple-draw mixed game, $300/$600. Josh has been telling me from day one  that there would be a day that I get yelled at, cussed at and humiliated by players.  I have been expecting it, and I certainly expected it from this table. I did get yelled at (twice), but both times I deserved it. I burned a card before all the draws were declared.. and I didn't wash the deck once between hands (it had been requested).  Overall though, these were the nicest guys I could have possibly dealt a game this big to. They were patient, they explained things.. and within a few hands, I found my groove and I was putting Badugi out like a pro. Or at least, a terrified dealer pretending to be a pro. I'm sure they knew how nervous I was. It was incredibly exciting to be spreading something new, and I don't think I'll be nearly as nervous next time I cycle through that table. I didn't have any floor calls either, so bonus!

I dealt a SNG yesterday where 4 of the 10 people had never played poker before. My initial thought about this was that it would be fun.. I love newbies. They're the next potential superstars, and friends. (I wrote about this once, here). But really, after about 15 minutes.. I was exhausted. "Post your blind, sir." "Why? What if I don't like my hand?" "Sir, you have to post a blind, once per round, before you see your cards." "Why?" "Because it's the rules of the game." "Oh. Okay. Why is his blind less than mine?" "Because there is a big blind, and a small blind. The small blind is 1/2 of the big blind, every round." "Oh. Okay. Wait.. I'm going to have to pay BOTH?! I don't have many chips left!" Facepalm.

I would have thought it wasn't possible for this to happen. For it to happen three times in one SNG, I would have bet a grand it wasn't possible. Oh, but it is. New players are also prone to conversations like this "Is it my turn?" "Yes sir, action is on you." "How much is the bet?" "You may bet 400, raise, check or fold." "Can I bet $500?" "Yes sir"  "If I check, I don't have to pay anything, right?" "Yes sir" "Can I go all in?" "Yes sir" "How many people are still left to act?" "4 sir" "Oh, okay. I fold."

..... Ohhh kaaaayyy.

See how desolate the poker room looks behind him?
Yeah, the final hand was played at 9 AM after a marathon session.
Congrats Scotty. You deserve it.

So, as most of you know by now.. Scott Williams won event #1 of the Million Dollar Heater.. the largest field in MS history. He took down the biggest cash of his life, a trophy, a main event seat and a bracelet.  I'm going to blog about the whole experience.. but first, I've got to get to work. Today and tomorrow should be ridiculous days. 15/16 hours maybe. So I wanted to get something out there before I'm comatose later tonight.

On a side note, the employee dining room at the Beau Rivage is by far the nicest I've ever seen.  Long time readers know.. I've eaten in some pretty shady EDRs.  Southland's in West Memphis seemed great.. it was $5 and you got to eat food leftover from the buffet the day before. Over time, and after buying stock in Pepto Bismol, it lost it's luster.  Horseshoe Tunica's EDR was shiny and pretty, but the food was lackluster.. cold sandwiches, and hot dogs. Hot food for a price. The Riviera's is in a boiler room full of people who don't speak English and park bench seating.. the food was grey. All of it, and shaped into things that resembled Salisbury steak and carrots.. but still grey. I never ate it. Wildhorse in Oregon was nice, and free and very close to the poker room.. but they only served food three times a day, during short hours.. so if you were dealing, and couldn't get a break, you were out of luck.  The Grand Sierra in Reno was sketchy. The food was okay, and for $2 it was a bargain, but it was nothing to write home bout.

The Beau Rivage is bright and cheery, set up like a cafe with abundant drink stations, dozens of entree choices, soups and salads. We get to eat there once per shift.. FREE, and if we're hungry otherwise, there are a bunch of cereals, fruits, yogurts, ice cream and snack foods we can have otherwise. It's nice enough that I haven't eaten out once (aside from a celebration dinner with Scott). I actually aspire to get into work early so I can grab cereal, and I look forward to the dinner break.. I've had salads and grilled chicken, almost every day. I will miss it when I move on to the next place.

If you're at the Beau Rivage, and don't have access to the empoyee dining.. the Terrace cafe has the best grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup I've ever had. <3 Totally worth the $8.99. Go try it NOW.

Alright kiddos, off to work! I will write more later. :)

New Year in Pictures, Destin, Biloxi, Processing for the Next Poker Event & Cat Stick.

So I didn't get out a blog-post-a-day after all. I got pretty damn close though.. I was 2 short. I can live with 2 short. I am going to make a greater effort to update while on the road this year. I found it all to be so overwhelming last fall that unfortunately, the blog fell to the back burner.

Today's entry will be mostly in pictures.  Either to sum up my travels, or share something I found funny. Anyone who has ever spent more than ten minutes in my company knows that I photograph EVERYTHING.  With that being said, let's start with the really bizarre. Every day I checked my blog hits, and the traffic sources. The "day" on my blog starts over around 8 pm for some odd reason. This screen shot was taken about two hours into the new "day" today.

Four separate people wanted to see Tunica Mississippi residents, NAKED.
I don't even need to explain why this is disturbing.

New Years Eve ended up being an impromptu trip to Destin, FL with my Mom to visit my sister and her boyfriend Marvin.  It was our first time meeting him, and I can say with no uncertainty that I absolutely adore him.  He's good to my sister, he's funny, he's well mannered and he's smart. I give him 2 thumbs up. I hope they get married and give me nieces and nephews.

Bex and Marvin at the Cactus Flower Cafe in Navarre, FL. Marvin is being deeply entertained by...

This guy. Who just randomly approached our table and started talking
excessively about sidebets and housecleaning. Anywhere else,
this might be scary.. in the South, it's consider "hospitable".

Bex gave me an iPad2 for Christmas, which is beyond awesome. I've wanted an iPad since they first came out.. an even more so on the road, and now having one to play with is even more delightful than anticipated. 

Mom at a cool Irish Pub called McGuire's in Fort Walton Beach, FL.
They claimed to have over $1 million in $1 bills stapled to the walls and ceilings.

I had the traditional Irish Shepherd's Pie. It was fantastic, and worth every penny of the $16.99.
P.S. Thanks for dinner, Bex and Marvin!

I only went to the beach a couple of times, but while I was there, I struck cosmic gold. I had just finished reading Cracked.com's article on the 6 greatest discoveries science can't explain, only to step out of my car and find what I classify as the 7th.

To you, this probably looks like a bamboo shoot stuffed with feathers. Because, well, it is.
To me, it looks like the single greatest Christmas present I could have gotten CatCat.

It passed the initial taste test.

He managed to shove it under the door, and then fought bitterly to retrieve it.

Now in Biloxi, it's still his favorite toy.
Score one for Me!

Anyway, after a few days on the beach.. I was then off to New Orleans to drop Mom off for her return trip to Memphis, and to pick up my roommate Amy Brady. I decided to stop on Bourbon St for lunch, only to realize it was the day of the Sugar Bowl. I run good. 3 billion people, all drunk and running around in team colors, descended on Bourbon St about the same time I was far enough down the road to not turn back. Over an hour and a half later, I made it to the end of the relatively short street, full of creative adjectives about New Orleans.

We eventually made it back to Biloxi, got checked in at the Studio Six and crashed. 

Sleeping is a joint effort, 'round here. Apparently boobs make an excellent catbed.

Today was an 8 am "cattle call" for gaming.  Basically, all of us had to be at the office to process bright and early.. and because I lingered to provide shuttle service to the dealers who don't have cars, I drew the absolute last number for processing.. and got to hang out for more than a few hours. It isn't like I had anything else to do though. 1 pm, paperwork.. 3 pm mass drug test.  Nothing gets you acquainted with your new coworkers like organized urination.

From the literal job description for my job.
Must be able to constantly sit.
This one might be a challenge, boys and girls.

Normally tomorrow would just be wasted time.. with only a 4 pm meeting, and not actually starting work until Friday, but Scott is coming down to stay the weekend with me. It'll be nice to actually visit with him BEFORE starting work. Then, Sunday, if all goes as planned.. Steven is going to come down and spend a few days with me as well. I'm a lucky girl who has friends willing to drive 6 hours to hang out with her. It couldn't possibly have ANYTHING to do with the free hotel room on the beach, while a major poker tournament is going on, right? ;)

Every year on New Years Day, I take an extreme closeup face/hair picture in natural lighting.. so that someday I can put them all together in a book and figure out exactly when everything fell apart. Or at least, when the wrinkles really set in.  I'll be 32 in exactly six months. Though I won't bore you with all of them, the first picture is from New Years Day 1999. I have no idea why I did such horrible things to my eyebrows back then. Or dyed my hair that color. The second is from 2012. Age. It's amazing how small, and yet radical the changes are.

19.

31.

2011 was a fantastic year for me. I have no complaints. Well, no major ones. It was one of the best, most transitional, most exciting and most challenging of my life. I am enjoying aging (so far) and growing as a person. Sure, I have the same resolutions as everyone else.. lose weight, be more charitable, be healthier, show more kindness.. etc. For the most part, though, I am blissfully happy. At least, more often than not.  For 2012, I was to do all of the above resolutions .. and add a few more. I'd like to become entirely debt free, and save 6 months of expenses for emergencies. I'd like to fall blissfully in love, or at least.. deeply in lust. I'd like to go see new and exciting places, and simultaneously spend more time at home.  I have a list I'm compiling, which includes more, but that will have to wait for another blog post. For now, I'm off to bed. <3

This blog post is brought to you courtesy of procrastination. I SHOULD be packing my car and hitting the road, as I am definitely leaving this morning (early afternoon).  However, I pulled a late night last night and I'm not moving as fast as I used to be.

This is face of exhausted, hung-over & "just can't hang like I used to".

Blog-A-Day Countdown to 2012: #3

Procrastination & On the Road Again

This time at home has gone by in a blur. I haven't played poker, I haven't thought about poker, I haven't dreamed about suits and flops and suck outs. It's been a much-needed break. I have however, spent a lot of time with family and friends that I have missed tremendously. Josh Cooper once said something about how going home, you realize that life goes on without you. Which really, is pretty much common sense.. but it stuck with me. Since being home I've had a few really memorable moments, a lot of laughs, some good natured flirtation and some of the dynamic (or at least the way I view) a few of the people here has evolved. All anybody really wants is to hear the words "You don't really have to leave again, do you?" And when I did, and realized I didn't have a choice.. it hit me.. life is going to go on, and I'm going to miss out on a lot of awesome moments with people I really dig. Hopefully they won't completely forget about me. <3

Okay, pity party over. I get to spend 2012 in some of the coolest cities in America, surrounded by poker and doing something I love to do. Life could be a whole lot worse.

Symbolism for the win.

I intended to bring in the New Year with Scotty, here in Memphis. But I neglected to visit my sister over Christmas, and I'm running really short on time.  So tonight, hopefully, I will bring in the New Year on the beach. It's a great place to celebrate the passing of an epic year. It's rather sneaky how the New Year comes in under the cover of darkness.  One minute it's everything behind you, and the next it's a whole new year.. full of expectations and goals.

Mom has just announced that she may hop in the car with me, and just Amtrak it back to Memphis in a few days.  So this will be all the better.. having us all three together.

Tuesday I'll be checking into Biloxi, gearing up for the Million Dollar Heater and back in poker world. I'll admit, I'm looking forward to being productive again, and seeing the poker friends I've been away from since heading out west.  Scott is coming down Thursday to shack up for a few days and try his hand at a tournament or two.

I'm already thinking about when I'll get back to Memphis, though. Right now it's looking like February. March if I pick up another event. It's weird how it works.. you leave with a schedule and then everything changes, and even with the best of intentions, 6 months slips away before you can blink.

I'm going to pack. I'll do my best to update throughout the day, as I am still hoping to get my countdown done. <3

Followup on Ben Breedlove: Family & Funeral; A Personal Note on Death

I wanted to do a quick update to the Ben Breedlove story I wrote a couple days ago.  The blog post, overnight, received more "hits" than anything I've ever written. Easily over 20,000 in just 24 hours. This is a well traveled blog, but that's a pretty extreme jump.  It seems people everywhere were just as fascinated by this young man's videos, his message and sadly.. his passing.

The guest book at Ben's funeral, December 29th 2011.

This Austin, TX teen managed to unite hundreds of thousands of people through videos he made about death, just 5 short days before the pacemaker on his heart failed and took his life on Christmas Day. His videos, which by morning were posted everywhere, went viral overnight.. literally.  So much so that the Breedlove family decided to stream his memorial live today online, so mourners across the world could grieve the loss of Ben.

One thing that struck me in watching the parts of the memorial service/funeral I was able to, was how at peace his mother seemed to be.  She looked, and rightfully so, like she'd been through hell and back.. but she was smiling, mostly had herself together and was able to accept other's condolences with grace.

Deanne Breedlove (In black, in the middle), with youngest son Jake at Ben's funeral.

I know I've mentioned once or twice that I had a son once, and that he passed away. Actually, tomorrow would have been his 11th birthday.  Though I only got to experience motherhood for a little over three months, I can tell you with no uncertainty.. that this is something you never get over. I mean, you move on.. you even feel mostly normal again, but your child is with you all the time in some manner or another.  I find myself scanning a crowd of children for a boy that would be around his age, fascinated with the developmental milestones they've reached and wondering what sort of person he would have been.

Robert, with his father. A good lookin' boy!

Having a child that's passed away is a unique sort of awfulness, on top of the obvious. When people ask if you have children, especially in my case having no others, you're faced with the decision of telling them simply "No" and entirely discounting that fact that you are in fact a Mom, or saying "Yes" and having to explain.  People never want to talk about children dying. It sends a guttural panic into the hearts of most women, and men become uncomfortable because it's a realm of emotion they don't want to tip toe through. To this day, when someone finds out about my child, I find myself in a weird sort of role reversal.. where the person hearing the news becomes very apologetic and upset, trying to find the words and I have to assure them that I'm okay, it's okay and that they don't need to comfort me. I like to avoid the subject altogether, but at the same time, sometimes I want to talk about him. He was a really beautiful blessing, and his death was the ONLY negative part of the entire experience of having him.

I was 19. So young. I didn't even know how to give a proper
bath to a baby, and they don't come with handbooks!
You can tell he was thrilled by this experience.

Anyway, my point is.. Ben Breedlove's Mom really looked okay today. I was an absolute mess at Robert's funeral. I insisted on speaking, which I shouldn't have, but I had so much I wanted to say.. and I ended up breaking down in front of a lot of people. The biggest differences between Ben's mother and myself is that she's a solid 20 years older than I was at the time, her son had been struggling with a life threatening illness for 18 years, and she has a relationship with God that I wasn't even close to at that age.

I envy her for those things, but at the same time, my heart aches for her today.  I know how she feels, in as close a way as anyone can I suppose.

The worst part of burying a loved one, particularly a child, is that in a few weeks.. the rest of the world will go back to normal. Life goes on, and everyone is back to work and doing their daily grind. But for the parents, and possibly the siblings.. the immediate family, that hole actually gets BIGGER as time progresses and life continues without the one we're missing.  Sure, it gets better..but it's really hard the first couple of years. People don't like to discuss death and loss, and the grieving person begins to feel guilty for being sad and begins to bottle it up.. hoping to not make anyone else uncomfortable.

I spent hours and hours online reading stories from other mothers who had lost their children to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), with an almost morbid dedication. I just longed to know I wasn't completely alone in my emotional roller coaster.  And then one day, I didn't anymore and I too moved on. For the most part.

I don't mourn Ben Breedlove.  He's in a much better place, where doctors and surgery no longer factor in. My heart aches for his Mother, and the rest of his immediate family. The worst is still to come for them and I pray they have the support network in place to help them get through it.

Two people stood out during the days that followed my son's death. One paramedic who said "Oh honey, don't worry. You'll have more children." I wish at times I could go back and just shake her for saying that. Her intentions were good, her wording was awful.  And a bank teller. She asked how Robert was doing, as we were regulars in the drive-through, and when I told her she paused for a moment and said.. "Darlin', this is going to hurt for a long time. It'll get better, but it's going to get better slowly. The only thing that will make it better is time."  She hit the nail on the head.

My mom and her grandson, the day he was born.

Without getting overly preachy, I do believe that God looks out for us and sends us strength when we need it. I saw Ben Breedlove's videos just three days ago, and along with the rest of the world, it bolstered my already strong faith.. in knowing that everything happens for a reason, and that death isn't something to fear. Then, in case the message wasn't loud and clear, a friend I never expected it from.. waited until we were alone, and pulled out his devotional Bible and confided to me that he'd been saved recently and was finding strength in sorting out his faith. Our relationship is based in poker, and I don't think the word God has ever been spoken between us unless it also included expletives, prior to this. We had a good, long talk about a great many things and it touched me. I know what the message was, whether my friend had any idea or not about the bigger picture. God is looking out for me, and he loves me and though losing Robert was a huge cornerstone in my life.. there is a grander plan. Most importantly, that I am loved and it's important for me to keep perspective, even when my heart aches.

I promise I'm not turning my little blog-corner-of-the-world into a faith-based soapbox. Not by any stretch. But if you haven't read the story about Ben Breedlove, or seen his videos you should.  They provided me with a great deal of peace during a potentially emotional time. Maybe they'll do the same for you, or at the very least, open the doors for some good conversation.

Good luck, Breedlove family. I will keep you in my prayers.

Blog-A-Day Countdown to 2012: #4

My Son's 11th Birthday, Ben Breedlove's Mother & Funeral

Blog-A-Day Countdown: Poker Players go Bowling, Prop Bets, Steven "Cupcake" Terry

I'm going to be hard pressed to actually get out a blog post a day, and finish the remainder of my countdown before 2012.  I'm going to do my best though.

Blog-A-Day Countdown to 2012: #5

Poker Players Go Bowling, Prop Bets, Steven "Cupcake" Terry

My time here at the farm is winding down.. I've thoroughly enjoyed myself, though I haven't done anything fancy and I've been on a pretty strict budget (Still waiting on paychecks to be mailed from work already completed - Upside: can't spend it if you don't have it!).




Cosmic Bowling.. Pretty, yes. Photogenic, No.
Scott, Jen and Steven
December 28th, 2011.


Last night I went bowling with two of my favorite guys.. Steven Terry and Scott Williams. I write all the time about Scott, and really.. there is only so much you can say about the man. Steven isn't someone I've talked about here before.. I generally don't mention friends in "the blog" until they give me the "Okay".  It can be a little unnerving to some to have their name and pictures out there, floating around the interwebz, having no control over it.

Steven was a regular at Southland (the poker room I worked at before I was a dealer and before I was a supervisor at The 'Shoe), and would quite often come in and BS with me before or after playing.  He's young, 24, but he looks about 16. On some days he's a good looking, rough - tough - blue collar kinda man. On other days, he's a very cute..kid. We perpetually give each other shit about our age difference. Sometimes, in public, when he's trying to be funny.. he'll refer to me as Mom.  It makes me want to choke him. I call Steven "Cupcake" because he's just so damn adorable, and also.. because it's mildly degrading. This caught on in the poker room, and he's pretty much been "Cupcake" ever since.

Gangsta.

We've hung out a few times, once Geocaching at 3 am in Mid-Town Memphis, and we've seen a handful of movies. We've always talked easily, about all sorts of things, and I get a kick out of him because he only tolerates my bullshit to a certain extent.. before he'll call me on it.  He's pretty smart, even if his poker game could use some work. One day, my less than awesome vehicle (the piece of crap Jeep I drove before my current mechanical nightmare) broke down just as I was headed to Tunica to have dinner with Bex.  He drove all the way to Arkansas to pick me up, and THEN drove me the hour to Tunica and back.. just so I wouldn't miss out. What a sweetheart. <3 (On a side note, I found out AFTER I had my Jeep towed to a mechanic and fully checked out.. that there was actually nothing wrong with it. I just didn't have it all the way in park, and therefore, couldn't start it. I fail so hard. Seriously guys, this is why chicks shouldn't own cars. So embarassing. I swore I'd never admit it.. instead claming a bad starter, but enough time has passed that I can laugh about it).

He also knows Scotty, from my aforementioned poker room, and in my absence challenged him to a night of bowling.  Steven seemed to think he is quite the bowler, and assumed he would be able to brutalize Scott (who is nearly twice his age) with no problem.  Unbeknownst (or at least, fully understood) to him.. Scott is somewhat of a legendary bowler.  He has a handful of 300 rings, some of them 800 rings.  He used to be Mr. Professional, and I swear when he shows up at a bowling alley.. he has more luggage (gear, balls, shoes) than I pack for a week of vacation.

Aww look.. he still thinks he has a shot in this picture!
Boys and Girls, this is what "Hope" looks like.

I knew this wasn't going to end well for Steven, but I was supportive.. and they scheduled the night for when I'd be in town. The bet.. if Steven wins, Scott dresses in full drag for a full night of poker in our regular card room. If Scott wins, Steven has to dress like a cupcake (sprinkles, whipped cream.. the whole nine) for a night at Southland as well.

Like this, but with a shorter skirt.. and made with actual food product.
We want him to attract raccoons in this getup.

I showed up while they were in the middle of their practice game. I was impressed by Steven.. he was knocking out strikes right and left, and disappointed in Scott. During the first of the three games that count, Scott continued to bowl fairly pitifully.  Steven was holding his own, and at the end of the game, had Scott by 61 pins. It occurred to me on the 9th frame or so that Scott was bowling right handed. (He's left handed). He was also using a house ball while his three sat in the rack (Three? Really? Overcompensation much?).

Really, the whole night was about Scott's balls, if you wanna know the truth.

In the second game, with an almost 80 pin lead, Steven was talking a little good natured smack.  Even offering a few coaching tips with the troublesome 7 pin and 10 pin. Scott decided at this time to make a statement by laying one of his 300 rings on the table each frame.

Oh..wait.. YES! There it is..
Fear.



He looks amused at this point.

Scott then decided to actually bowl (left handed and with his own equipment), and the game was pretty much over after that.  He mopped the floor with Cupcake, who took it all in stride and with a great attitude. I don't think I've laughed that much in a long time. Mid-way through the third game, Scott had already made up for the 80 pin deficit and had Steven by at least 50 pins. It wasn't even close, but it was totally worth coming out for. Scott was pretty modest about it though.. accepting victory with the grace you'd expect from a man of his caliber. I mean, it's not like he's the type to photograph himself wearing a handful of 300 rings and a championshp jacket and post it on someone's Facebook wall.

Oh.. wait..

Afterwards we went to breakfast at CK's, where an extensive conversation about the male anatomy took place. I fully expected them to prop bet on this, but fortunately was spared. We then attempted to look for a Geocache. Hopping the curb on the University of Memphis Campus, at 2 am and putting us nearly face to face with an inhabited police cruiser put an end to that really quick. We're all old enough to know when it's time to pack it in.

Everything on the menu is under $7?
Scotty's idea of a perfect night out!

Cupcake and I dropped Scott off at his truck, and sat to catch up for a minute. Our conversation was all over the place, as usual, covering the last 8 months in a half hour or so. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy his company, and I'm really glad they scheduled their bowling fiasco to include me.  Even if Cupcake got his ass kicked. <3

All of these in bowling.. and not a one that says WSOP.
Face it Scotty, you can't hang.
Maybe you should stick to playing with your balls?
<3

Read/Repost Request: The heartbreaking & inspiring story of Ben Breedlove. A must see.

I was absolutely done for the night, shutting down the computer, cleaning up the kitchen.. and came to check my Facebook to make sure the last blog post posted.  A link to a video with the post "Do you believe in God?" caught my eye. The kid was kinda good-looking, in that shiny sort of way.. so I clicked the link.

(A followup to this post has been added, link at the bottom).

And here we are. I feel compelled to write about this, because it's such a heartbreaking - interesting - inspiring story.

The video is of Benjamin Breedlove. He's an 18 year old young man from Austin, TX who was born with some sort of awful heart condition (Hypertrophic Cardiomyapathy) .  He also has two YouTube channels, one called BreedloveTV and the other where he shares advice for teens on dating and similar topics.  Pretty popular stuff, with most of his videos having over 30,000 hits. Some much more. This video, the one I'm writing about, isn't part of his usual uploads.  He did this one privately under an unknown user name, and without fanfare. His own parents didn't even know he'd posted them until it was already too late.

In the video I saw, he talks about cheating death several times. It isn't an overtly religious message at all, just a teen talking about his experiences dodging death throughout the course of living with a heart defect.  He made the video just a few days ago, sharing in it an overwhelming peace with dying.  On Christmas day, 2011, he died of cardiac arrest when his pacemaker stopped functioning. Here is his video, posted just 6 days ago. In two parts.

Part 2..

In the little bit of searching for him online I did, I can see that he was an inspiration to thousands of people. Not with stories of being ill, but by just being a glowing, beautiful human being who LIVED. What really strikes me is the overwhelming difference between him in these videos and his normal YouTube posts.  There is a subtle peace about him in these two. He couldn't possibly have known, and yet, it's almost like he did in a way. His parents found these videos after he'd passed. What an amazing gift to leave behind.

Something about his smile is haunting me, and I felt compelled to sit down and share this with you all. If you share nothing else this year from my blog, or any other, repost this one. This video I think, should be shared.

Here is a great video of Ben answering questions about himself. Though they weren't shot too far apart, note the difference in his demeanor. 

Rest in Peace, Ben Breedlove.  There is something fantastic about you. It's a pity you're gone, but a blessing your video remains behind to touch others. <3

Edited to Add: A Followup on this Blog Post HERE.

Blog-Countdown to 2012: #6

Ben Breedlove