Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I'm being held hostage, fry Casey Anthony, Kai Landry in a bustier, a Call to Action and Upcoming Events + P.S. to Blog Readers.

Midtown is Memphis and my new Roommate/Hostage Taker

I started this blog post earlier, much earlier in fact, but was delayed.  My bedroom is currently sealed off from the rest of my house because my home is under invasion. You see, I live in a second story Midtown Memphis apartment.  The kind with beautiful hardwoods, and a large covered balcony perfect for looking out on one of the more historic and famous neighborhoods in the city.


Goldfish and Ducks live in harmony in this park. Rainbows can be seen, year round. Seriously, it's so pristine it makes me ill.

I live in the cultural hub of the Memphis. I'm 99% sure I am the only straight person living in this zip code. There are theatres everywhere, beautiful sculptures, fantastic bistros with outdoor seating. We have an outdoor art festival where people sell handmade crafts and listen to bohemian music on my block once a year. People in my neighborhood recently held a public peaceful demonstration when CVS drugstore announced plans to build. Everyone but me has cool bumper stickers that say Midtown IS Memphis. If you want a $12 beer with fancy names like Rogue Dead Guy, Fat Tire or Woodchuck Cider this is the district for you. Living here makes me want to pick up a paint brush, and decorate with topiaries. I love it here, even if I don't remotely fit in.


Even our overpasses are expressive and creative. Those little windows? They light up at night.

But I digress.

There is a sinister side to Midtown.. And no, I'm not talking about the creepy homeless people or the large abundance of WWII vets rolling around Union in wheelchairs. When the sun goes down, the bugs come out. Big ones.  Huge flying cockroach looking bugs with names like Willy and Bubba. If you're enjoying the lazy sunset, and get caught unawares with your deck door open, they will inevitably fly in looking for small house pets to devour.

Tonight, I looked up just in time to see a foot-long monstrosity taking flight through my bedroom. I'm amazed I didn't hear him coming.  He landed on my pajama pants. MY FREAKIN' PAJAMA PANTS. The ones on my body. I immediately reacted, knocking over a basket of nail polishes, painting my hardwoods up like a technicolor dreamcoat. I'm pretty sure I broke my little toe. He made eye contact, I ran.  Before blocking the door with a chair (I swear he had thumbs, and he definitely meant business), I opened the door long enough to slide in a pizza from Little Caesars.  Best case scenario, it'll kill him. Worst case scenario, he'll be well fed enough to stay put. 


This little gem is obviously a much smaller cousin to the one currently enjoying my WiFi connection.

So I'm currently exiled from my bedroom.  I discussed this bug with a multitude of friends and family members.  The general consensus is "Why don't you just hit it with a shoe?".  Well, smartasses, because I'm pretty sure I need a permit to bury something this large. So he's either staying in there until his natural lifespan ends or until Terminex shows up.

In case you were wondering, the lifespan of a cockroach is as follows:

  • German cockroach - These generally live for about 3 to 4 months.
  • American cockroach - These can live anywhere from 1 to 2 years.
  • Oriental cockroach - The lifespan of these cockroaches is normally about a year.
  • Surinam cockroach - These cockroaches also live for a year, give or take a month or two.
  • Madeira cockroach - This species generally live for no more than 2 years.
  • Brown-banded cockroach - The lifespan of this species is around 6 months.
  • Madagascan hissing cockroach - These will generally live for about 18 months.
I'm praying it's a Nazi Roach.  I'm really going to miss my computer, otherwise. I'm pretty sure I heard it hiss, though, so we might be in trouble.
While I type out this blog post on my cell phone.. I would like to discuss another topic that's been buggin' me. (Get it? I slay myself!).
Fry Casey Anthony - She's no longer hot, so why does anyone care what they do to her now?
This narcissistic hooker wouldn't recognize quad aces if they were plastered to her tits.
Oh, wait. Well, isn't that cute.
I hope she hangs this picture in her cell as a reminder for how awful life was as a free person.

Is anyone else sick of hearing about Casey Anthony in the news?  Being rather into all things true crime, I waited for ages to hear what the defense was going to present. Their argument that Caylee died accidentally, by drowning, and that Casey failed to report it for 31 days because she was sexually abused as a kid and was used to "hiding" things, is weak at best.  It'll likely get the death penalty taken off the table, simply because of reasonable doubt, but this girl is going to spend a lot of time in prison. And prison has not been kind, to Ms. Anthony.  The girl was beautiful, duck face and all, prior to her incarceration.  Now, not so much.

How's that carefree, childless life workin' out for you? Idiot.
So close, he could smell the bracelet.

In far more relevant news, Kai Landry, poker player extraordinaire from Biloxi just published another fantastic blog. You can read it here.  In it, he recounts the frustration of cashing just five positions away from his first WSOP bracelet in the Stud event.  It's funny, gripping and insightful.


Go Speed Racer, Go.

I really can't say enough good things about Kai.  Yes, ladies, he is smokin' hot. More importantly, he's brilliant and hysterically entertaining. On a normal day, a text message from Kai might include anything from a picture of someone who closely resembles Captain Kangaroo to a well thought out comparison between pigeons and the French Revolution. Both are equally compelling. Once you get past his profound poker skills, his Hollywood smile and the Jackie-O shades though, he's still rather swell.  I give him 4.5 out of 5 stars. The only thing that could possibly make me love him more, would be if he'd occasionally dress like Frankenfurter. Because, well, Tim Curry is the shit.


Don't act like you don't have this costume, Kai. I sent it certified mail.

If you're still in the mood for reading funny stories, this link will take you to a sordid tale of one night in Tunica, starring Kai Landry, Jennifer Gay and more than a few seedy characters straight from the cotton fields.  Enjoy.

Need your help with a couple of things.

I need help from my blog readers.  There are two Facebook pages in need of some lovin'.  If you would, please go check out the page for Horseshoe Tunica.  We're relatively new to the Facebook scene, and are in desperate need of your support.  Plus, we really want more "likes" than Harrah's Tunica.  Click "Like", show your support for Mississippi Poker. Get a cookie next time I see you.

On the same note, a fabulous girlfriend of mine, Christina Sharkady is bustin' her tail trying to do great things with the Riviera Poker Room in Las Vegas.  The Riviera is part of Vegas history.. and with a little TLC, it can once again become a force on the poker scene.  Visit their Facebook page, click "Like", go see here in the card room for two cookies.

Upcoming Events you need to put on the Schedule.

There are two "event weekends" on the schedule at Horseshoe, Tunica.  The added value is fantastic.  These are replacing the series we had planned during the flood closures.

These events are called: Rising Waters - Flood Relief

They feature is $15,000 in added value.

Two weekends.. June 17th-19th and June 24th-26th.  Both Saturdays will feature an 11 am $550 NLH event with $5,000 added money to the prize pools. All players to make a final table at one of the featured tournaments will be entered into a freeroll on June 26th with a $5,000 prize pool.

Hotel rates are great, as always the food comps are liberal for poker players and the crowds should be just substantial enough for solid prize pools, but not so big that it isn't ideal for casual players.

Also...

Ante Up Magazine is hosting a cruise in December, leaving from New Orleans. It runs the 10th through the 17th and has stops in Cozumel, Jamaica and Grand Cayman. I am currently putting together the details of a special package I want to offer friends and readers, maybe a bit of added value off the already low low rates.  I'll have more details in an upcoming post.  I already have several people who have committed that will make the whole thing an event you won't want to miss. So if you think you'd LIKE to take a poker cruise with some of us, and December works for you.. send me a message. 

Bad Beats and a ship far out to sea.. If you can't swim, this might not be the vacation for you.

The rates are already rock bottom (Around $600 for 7 nights, all inclusive, plus round-the-clock poker action), but I'm going to try to do something additional for the people who book in our group.  Maybe a special tournament or swag.  Still working out the details.  Either way, you want to get in on this.  I'm going to try to assemble a group of around 15 to 20, and I already have 8 or so on board.

You know you want to.

Post Script to Blog Readers:  All of us who write blogs constantly watch our stats and readership numbers.  Some of us check several times a day, and compare notes.  There is little better than a record breaking month or a post that gets reposted time and again on Facebook.  Blog writing is something we do because we enjoy it. It, however, can be an agonizing adventure.  Sometimes it takes hours to get the wording just right to put together a post that is little more than whining about our mundane day. If you enjoy what you're reading here, or on ANY blog, leave a comment or send a private message from time to time. If you're not a registered user and don't care about posting a comment, send a hello of Facebook to let the writer know you're reading. Some of us will receive upwards of 5,000 or more views in a month, and have literally no idea who the faces behind the computers are. We want to hear from you. Feedback is far more valuable to a writer than a paycheck of any variety. (I hope my Editors don't see this...)

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