Wednesday, August 8, 2012

1 Lie, 5 Truths. Depression, Escape & Reflection. Carpe Diem, Kids!

Where to begin, where to begin.

My friend and DC (Dealer Coordinator) -slash- Oregon Mom says.. "Write from the heart!". So I suppose that's what I'll do.  Remember that ridiculous game where you're given a few phrases and you have to guess which ONE is a lie, amongst 5 truths?  We'll start there.

In the last four months I have:
  • Hit a royal flush in video poker.
  • Watched a theatrically staged group orgy on stage with Scott Williams in LasVegas, where a 70 year old randomly chosen-from-audience grandmother from Crete simulated raunchy sex with what I'm pretty sure was a transvestite.
This is just a PG-13 snapshot. Zumanity is WELL worth the money.

  • Left a mostly naked male exotic dancer/playgirl model in a hotel room, because I would rather drink beer with a socially awkward slightly gangster dealer, who by all accounts is NOT my type, and who didn't appear to be the slightest bit interested in me. The dancer, on the other hand, was/is. I did this twice. I am a failure of a woman. But I'd make the same choice again.
  • Got in the first, and only, physical fight I've ever been in. With a man. I was not the aggressor. We were not drunk, nor involved. It was purely random. I guess some people can't handle my sarcasm.
  • Had a roommate threaten to kill me. With a frozen diet coke bottle. While chasing my cat around the apartment. In front of 10 witnesses. She wasn't kidding.
  • I inherited two wayward dealers, who have become like little brothers to me, and suddenly I can't imagine not having them with me.. despite me preferring to travel/room solo.

West Coast Road Trip 2012. Zack and Kreigl.

I'm not going to elaborate on any of the above subjects, but let's just say.. I've been running really bad at video poker. No royals, anywhere, to speak of.

I left Vegas abruptly, and in the middle of the night. Which was fitting.  It was the worst experience of my life, being there. I had such high hopes.  I worked too hard, I did it all on foot (My car was in the shop for a staggering two months), I was homesick and so socially shut in that all I did was work and sleep.  I lived with 8 roommates in a 3 bedroom apartment, and every single day was like the reenactment of the battle of Normandy. Only, with more bloodshed. And less national commendation. I feel like I've fought a war. Right now I'm saying I'll never do it again, but I'm sure the pain will fade and next year I'll be rearing to go.  Someone please bookmark this post and email it to me when I start making travel plans.

The "kids", Zack and Kreigl and I, plus another dealer.. who I won't out (to protect his not-so-innocence), fled the city with no hesitation.. headed back to the dirty south for an event in Tunica. 24 short hours later, we were home. I was in the midst of my first bout of real depression in a long time. For long time readers, you know I've chronicled my battle with depression.. and nearly giving up.. but for the most part, I'm on the other side of it.  I was dangerously close to the proverbial ledge in Vegas, a few times.

Do you know how hard it was for me to get to my penguin cave when it was 120 degrees outside?!

Being home is a wonder.  I appreciate every thing I'd often taken for granted, so much more. I came home with only a fraction of the money I'd hoped to, and even less sanity, but by God I was happy to be here.

For those who have been at my various events, Pendleton.. Reno.. etc, you know that I've pretty much focused on work and scorned others for their lack of ambition.  It's always been all about the paycheck for me.  I took a different approach for my Tunica event and I actually got to know a lot of the crew.  I had an incredibly awesome fling with a man I still can't get out of my head, despite it having already come to a close. (Now accepting applications for a rebound bitch. You know how to reach me). He revitalized my senses and gave me something to look forward to.  Revitalized in the "I would drive 10 hours to have a cup of coffee with him" kinda way.  It was much needed, and now I crave more. I am trying not to second guess myself, and wonder if the fling was a product of necessity or genuine connection. This is a huge stride for me, because I second guess most things. I patched up relationships this summer had nearly destroyed. I made new friends, and experienced alcoholic beverages I'm pretty sure aren't even legal.  I lost 12 pounds I'd been trying to shake for eons.

In short, I needed to screw off a bit.  I did.

Now that I'm on the other side of it, I'm sort of sweating the fall.  I'm not sure, 100%, where I'm going or what I'm doing.  I've applied to the events I'd like to do this fall.. but the jury still hasn't come in and I'm not confirmed for anything aside from an Ante Up cruise at the end of the month.

A friend, coworker and traveling dealer (Casey Jones), had a presumed heart attack in his sleep last week.  He didn't wake up.  He's on full life support and considered brain dead.  A lot of the crew are still optimistic, and I'm not one to dash any one's want for prayer.. but the whole ordeal slammed me like a ton of bricks.  It made me realize how quickly it could be any one of us, and how these people that we interact with on a daily basis, might not be here tomorrow. I don't use my blog to impart wisdom.  It's more like a peep hole so that you all may enjoy a voyeuristic feed upon the vortex of calamity that is my life.  With a small side of humor. But right now, I want to stress more than ever, that you need to grab on to every experience with both hands. Feel something. Or as a friend of mine would say, be bold. Think less, act more. Run the risk of being perceived as a little crazy, because on the off chance your "crazies" are well received.. you're going to be so glad you took a risk.

Oddly, this photo also works to sum up my roommate situation in Vegas.

I am plagued with terrible nightmares.  Have been for ages. But they've abated somewhat as time has progressed.  I was in a hotel room the other night, next to the aforementioned fling, and I couldn't escape this horrible paralyzing fear-dream.  I was running from something, and whatever it was.. was not good.  It was dark, I was alone and I was absolutely petrified. I would wake up, realize I wasn't alone.. or in danger.. go back to sleep only to feel it again. It was something cataclysmic and much more significant than any human entity.  I woke up in tears, despondent.

I have no idea what this means, or what it's signifying. I'm not good at analyzing these sorts of things. This was not a typical nightmare for me. I know myself, having lived with myself for 32 years, and I know that I always dread the end of something positive. Whether its an amazing weekend, a happy period in my life, or even an isolated incident. I think it's the sharp edge of depression that still thwarts my attempts at normalcy.  Part of my brain says "Run while you can, I'll eventually catch you".

After the tears cleared up, it was a beautiful sunshiny day.. with a lot of laughs before, during and after work. I wonder if I'll ever be a girl, entirely free of shackles, who feels pretty enough and smart enough or special enough to walk in the sunshine all the time. I wonder, if when I get there, I'll still like me.. because I've grown so accustomed to being a well guarded pain in the ass, the cynicism has become like a comfortable hoodie. I used to pray for a rescue package. A perfectly timed "emergency low" when I'm dead to two outs. I don't so much anymore.  I'm enjoying the mid-range, slightly playable hands I've been getting.. with the occasional really good one thrown in for variety.

You know you're making strides when you view this less as a metaphor for your existence, and more for a possible recreational activity. Jackpot recovery, here I come!

Sorry I got so deep.  At Penny's request, I wrote from the heart.  I appreciate you all so very much, even in my long bouts of silence.  <3  Thanks, as always for reading and reposting, and hopefully I'll see some of you soon.  Drop me an email if anything interesting has come up you think I should write about. And if you're going to be cruisin' with Ante Up or playing IP Biloxi.. we must have a cocktail!

I'm off to shop for new jeans with the Zack, and then find a life-size Margarita to jump into.



For his fans, CatCat would like you all to know he's doing well and enjoying some much needed R&R.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. Too bad I missed your appearance earlier this summer in Las Vegas. Koala gets all the luck. lol